Sunday, July 21, 2013

Kanye West is Jesus: The Reasons the Second Coming of the Christ is Upon Us

I have some important news for you all, the second coming of the Christ is upon us, or at least that's what Kanye (that's Yeezus to you common folk) thinks. I was unsure at first, but after listening to Yeezus a few times, and seeing his recent behavior with some Los Angeles paparazzi it's obvious that Yeezus is convinced he's Jesus. So I must pose the question.......is he actually Jesus?

I mean the signs were everywhere people, how did we miss it? 
- He's been calling himself Yeezy (short for Yeezus, which is obviously just the way all the cool kids say Jesus) for years!
- He has a group of people that follow him around and do everything he says (some may call this his crew/camp.....others may call them his disciples.....it just depends on regional and temporal vernacular I guess).
- He is with a women who first became a household name because of some questionable sexual behavior, and has since proven more virtuous and wholesome than most people would have guessed (similar to Mary Magdalen.....).
- He's from Chicago, which houses the Nazareth Academy AND the St. Mary of Nazareth Hospital, so it's basically the Nazareth of today (you know....other than the actual city of Nazareth.....).
- In the Bible it says that Christ will find, fight, and defeat the anti-christ during his second coming; clearly the anti-christ is the paparazzi.....duh.
- The Bible says "his voice was like the sound of rushing water," meaning that it is moving, powerful, brilliant, and hard to ignore; yeah when I hear "Black Skinheads" playing on the radio I'm not gonna lie.....it's pretty hard to ignore.
- And lets not forget the most important thing of all: Miracles. Kanye has performed miracles. We know from watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians (because that's mandatory now.....you know, what with this whole Jesus thing) that Kim was going to have an uphill battle getting pregnant.....and then without even trying Yeezy miraculously impregnates her with the most anticipated baby of the century. Khloe Kardashian literally said that this baby is a miracle.
- Amongst other miracles, Kanye has pretty much attacked paparazzi in every way possible, yet always manages to get out of his many fights without any penalty. He was arrested once, but then the charges were dropped. Miracles people, Miracles.
With all these signs it's easy to see why he thinks knows he's Yeezus. However, out of consideration for all the people out there who aren't as brilliant as him, and can't piece this oh-so-intricate puzzle together, one of his songs in his latest album is literally about how he is a god. Literally. Also there's that one song called "Jesus Walks," don't know if you've heard of it but it's exactly what it sounds like.....a song about Jesus walking on earth.

So, Kanye is Jesus, but prefers to be called Yeezus. Yeezus is back and the paparazzi are the anti-christ. Lets turn our attention to this battle royal(even though we already know thanks to the Bible that Yeezy's gonna win). Kanye was recently filmed at the airport telling a Paparazzi: "Don't talk ... don't talk to me ... I don't wan't to hear paparazzi talk to me or anybody I know ... and tell everybody never talk to anyone that anyone knows ... don't talk to themselves .. DON'T TALK EVER AGAIN"
In his most recent battle with the Anti-christ
Well now, that is quite a statement there young Jesus, but I guess it's necessary in this epic battle. However, there's this little thing called the first amendment......don't know if our Lord Jesus has heard of it, but amongst other things it protects free speech. I mean I only know about it because I have had to learn American History numerous times, since I was raised in the blessed country that the Lord has chosen for his second coming. I could understand why Yeezy might not know about this, I mean God knows he has more important things to do than learn about the founding fathers and the constitution upon which this entire country was built. But this does bring up the question......is Jesus subject to the law of the nation within which he resides? Does Yeezy even know about these laws? If not......who should tell him? One of his apostles? A member of his klan? Or maybe we'll just have to wait for little North to get to first grade and break the news to him herself? Regardless of how it happens, it seems to me that our Lord Yeezus cannot continue to wage this battle with the anti-christ much longer without becoming aware of such laws; I'm sure with his ability to work miracles and his voice "like rushing water" these laws won't stop him in his takedown of the paparazzi.

And hey ya'll, that's the only obstacle, once that's done, we can all be raptured and enjoy eternity in Heazy! (That's what we're calling Heaven now, FYI). So eat that extra scoop of icecream (or 10), don't go to the gym today, buy that bag that you've always wanted but literally can't afford......because soon none of it will matter. We'll either be in heazy drinkin crystal with Yeezy or we'll be chillin with the paps in the pits of hell (or Woodland Hills, California.....since they're pretty much the same temperature all the time) getting all the dirt on everyone.....including Yeezus.
It's all about subtlety for this guy

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